Experts Say Vast Deserts, Absence Of Life, May Indicate Mars Was Once Run By Conservatives – The Out And Abouter

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Experts Say Vast Deserts, Absence Of Life, May Indicate Mars Was Once Run By Conservatives

An ancient Martian city has been discovered, full of flat screen TVs, frozen food emporiums, and straws.

In a recent revelation, published in the respectably obscure scientific journalKnock Knock Who’s There Science Science Who Too Late, a team of experts from the University of Atlantis released their analysis of what ultimately caused Mars to become a barren dustbowl of shattered galactic dreams: entirely avoidable environmental disaster coupled with unresponsive conservative governance.

Lead researcher on the project, Dr. Philemin, explains.

“While the fossil record on the red planet appears to have been mostly destroyed by the last Martian governments, who went to some lengths to attempt to hide the scale of their stupidity from eternity, we still managed to turn up compelling evidence that these guys knew this shit was coming. But they chose not to act because: dividends. Those weekend houses on Phobos don’t pay for themselves, it would seem.” 

Dr. Philemin goes on to say that one of the most striking discoveries the team made was that Martian governments – which, unlike Earth’s, followed a quasi-democratic model that disproportionately favoured telling lies, telling sweet little lies – seemed largely unwilling, or unable, to tackle any and all problems with a time frame greater than four Mars’ years. Which, coincidentally, was the length of time between most elections on the now lifeless planet. 

“Weird, huh?” says Dr. Philemin, staring expressionlessly out of the window of his office, at a packed highway of traffic, weaving around the port of Miami (where the U of A maintains a remote campus) – in which sat enormous ships bringing untold tonnes of plastic crap to the shores of a place that produces plenty of the stuff itself, and other vessels standing ready to take mostly obese passengers to new locales in which to stuff their faces. And buy more plastic shite. 

“We even discovered an ancient script, quoting what seems to have been one of the last Martian leaders. A spectacularly short-sighted individual whose name time has erased, this character memorably claimed that the warnings of his leading scientists – that their planet was destined to become a dust factory – were a hoax. Because they had an agenda. Which appears to have been wanting to avoid extinction.”

The researchers are quick to admit there is little practical application for their work.

“As a planet that appears to have once been home to approximately 7 billion inhabitants, that was drained of its resources so that a few of them could build yachts to sail on the red seas, while the rest of them used discount airlines to scour their globe for meaning, and wistfully elected governments who promised the end wasn’t nigh when in fact it was half-past, there really aren’t any ready comparisons to be made. Certainly not in this solar system.”

But, he adds, if any earthlings should feel the need to raise their gaze from the trough of fossil fuels, here on the endlessly resilient paradise we call Earth, the uninterestingly irrelevant study can be read in its entirety at This Probably Doesn’t Affect Us.

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35 replies »

  1. Paulsays:

    You’ve really attracted them this time!

  2. Peter Wolfsays:

    Enough with the “isms”. It’s “isms” that caused all this. No system works completely, no system works all the time, no system works for everyone. I think we’d be lucky to get 50% success from any aspect of any system. We need to be flexible and accommodating instead of rigid and confrontational or we shall all perish.

    • Jesus H. Christsays:

      I’m pretty sure we are all going to perish anyway. Such is the nature of life.

      • Johnsays:

        Indeed we will. The question is how long our species has to live, and in what conditions.

  3. Francis skierskisays:

    You could’ve been a liberal planet as well and they put a woman president man oh guess what All the lies and promises that they couldn’t hold tore of the planet apart people went angry for what she did Then they went to kill the president and her blood was poisoned and killed everybody and made the planet turn red

    • Mitchell Brownsays:

      English as a second language? Have you even HEARD OF English? Hmmm. Your Russian translator isn’t working.

  4. Phil Levelsays:

    What about the dachas on Phobos? Are they on AirBNB?

  5. Paul Humphrey Schofieldsays:

    As Emeritus Professor of Scientific Scatology at Brigadoon University, we are currently studying your articles and to put it as nicely as we can something doesnt smell quite right. If you have any scatological evidence, other then that which is written here we will be glad to sift thru and give our own scatological weight to your research. Thou we will need an address an some clingfilm.
    Good luck with Uranus.

  6. Tineke Nopperssays:

    I do not agree with two details in this article. 1. We are more than 7 Bilion inhabitants on this planet. There are 10 times this amount of animals that we breed (plus the remaining wildlife that is left surviving our environmental impact on earth which is their planet too.) And here we come to no 2. Fossil fuels are not the main cause of Climate change and all the other environmental problems we deal with today. It’s number 1. We breed, torture and kill over 70 Billion land animals that take up all our resources and the consequences are killing our planet in all possible ways. Think about drought, the destruction of our rainforests (91% of the disappearance is caused by the animal agriculture) the dying of our oceans, worldhunger, mass extinction of wildlife, climate change (mainly caused by the methane, which has 25 times more impact in the heating of our climate than Co2). If the martians where vegan, I am sure they would have still existed. But maybe the martians where a small species that started breeding humans that needed a lot of food and water and space, but I am sure we made a hell of a snack.

    • Sad Stattosays:

      So who eats more meat? The rich elite, or the poor starving masses???

  7. Nicksays:

    I’m not a scientist, nor particularly bothered about political leanings. But it seems to me that this is just more of the same “this is your fault bullshit”. The left blames the right, the conservatives blame the liberals, Trump blames the Mexicans blah blah. No one is going to fix anything and the planet will indeed cease to support life in any great volume for a long time. Which I am totally fine with.

  8. Henry Van Horiksays:

    And Venus was run by liberals. Or is that Men ran Mars and Women ran Venus. I can’t recall.

    Anyway. When we have Liberals/Conservatives or Men/Women working together we get the Earth. Not too hot. Not too cold. Just right.